Smiles

Here is a collection of smiles that have appeared on the home page.


Smiles of the Day June 2018
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." 
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," 
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," 
--Mariah Carey

Do you feel smarter now?


Smiles of the Day July 2018

Answers from SAT tests given to 16 year olds.

Q:  Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and  vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on  the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important.   Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When  you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q:  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his  boyhood and looks forward to his
   adultery.

Q: What does the  word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be  eight.

Q: What's a Hindu?
A; It lays eggs.


Smile that didn't fit on home page

This is a math test that will automatically reveal your favorite movie of all time.  DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply that number by 3.

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits
together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies
below:

Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Donald Trump Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

... Now, isn't that something?


From August 2018

How to tell you're in Florida in the Summer

  1. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  2. Hot water now comes out of both tap
  3. You can make sun tea instantly.
  4. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
  5. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
  6. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
  7. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
  8. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  9. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
  10. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
  11. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
  12. The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
  13. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
  14. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
  15. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  16. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

From September2018

Worried that everyone is smarter than you?

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, it's open!"  To which he replied, "I know - I allready got that

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?


From October 2018

The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older', here's what  I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
3. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
4. If all is not lost, where is it?
5. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
6. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
7. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
8. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them 
on my knees.
10. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone 
decide to play chess?
11. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
13. I've thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.


Video suggested by Sue Dubman - click the arrow to start then click the ENLARGE icon so the video will fill the screen (click EXC to get out).  Definitely worth a laugh.


From November 2018

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fact-of-life chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are too big, I can't wear them". 

So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." 

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." 

So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me.." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." 

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says,"...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will. 


From November 2018

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

1)   Don't miss the boat.
2)   Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4)   Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to  be done.
6)  Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8)  Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9)  When you're stressed, float a while.
10)  Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by    professionals.
11) No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.


From December 2018


This is not an attempt to PUN ish you just to make you laugh.

1.Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Another of Randy Rainbow's excellent videos


A Randy Rainbow video from February


From May 2019

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a  new restaurant, and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"  The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that  flower you give to someone you love?  You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes,"  the man said.  He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


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